Understanding Anger and Safety in Relationships
Unchecked anger can be like a grenade going off in a relationship. Everyone ducks for cover, and the fallout can be huge.
It can happen so quickly. You’re having a conversation and suddenly, bam! Your partner says something that lights your fuse. In an instant, your body reacts: fight, flight or freeze. You might pull away, lash out, or feel stuck and unable to respond.
All couples get angry sometimes. It’s normal to have conflict and moments of frustration. But some forms of anger are harmful and can destroy the emotional safety between you.
Why Safety Matters
Safety always comes first. When partners feel safe, they can take emotional risks, repair connections, and rebuild trust. As Dr Stephen Porges reminds us, safety is the foundation of secure attachment.
In practical terms, this means that when you feel safe with your partner, when you trust they’ll listen, won’t attack, and care about your feelings, your nervous system relaxes. You can stay open instead of defensive. You can share what’s really happening inside, rather than protecting yourself with anger or withdrawal.
Without that sense of safety, the brain automatically goes into self-protection mode. You stop listening, your body tenses, and your partner becomes the enemy rather than your ally. This is why safety isn’t just a “nice to have” in relationships, it’s essential for love, connection, and healing.
What Anger is Trying to Tell You
In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), anger isn’t something to suppress or shame, it’s something to explore and understand. Anger often signals unmet needs, perceived rejection, or a breach of connection. What looks like rage on the surface may actually be protecting more vulnerable emotions such as hurt, fear, or sadness.
Research shows that working with emotion, rather than avoiding it, is key. From an attachment perspective, secure emotional connection supports better emotion regulation and relationship health. When emotional responsiveness is missing, the risk for destructive patterns, including uncontrolled anger, increases.
Expressing Anger Safely
Learning to express anger safely doesn’t mean never feeling angry. It means recognising anger as a signal and choosing how to respond.
Here are some ways couples can begin:
Pause and notice your body. Anger lives in the body. Feel the tightness, the racing heart, the urge to react, and take a breath before you speak.
Name what’s underneath. Instead of “You never listen,” try “I feel hurt when I don’t feel heard.” Naming emotions builds connection, not distance.
Stay focused on your feelings, not your partner’s faults. Use “I” statements rather than blame or criticism.
Take breaks when needed. If things are escalating, agree to pause and come back when both of you feel calmer.
Seek repair, not victory. The goal isn’t to win, it’s to understand each other and rebuild trust.
Mindfulness helps too. By slowing down and noticing what’s happening in your body, such as tightness, tension, or fatigue, you begin to understand your emotional cues. These physical signs invite you to stop, breathe, and listen.
The Path to Healing
Be curious about what your anger is trying to tell you:
What need isn’t being met right now?
What pain or fear might this anger be protecting?
Anger can either divide or deepen connection, depending on how you respond to it. When expressed safely, it can lead to repair, closeness, and understanding.
Counselling can help you recognise the patterns that keep you stuck, understand where your reactions come from, and support you to heal and reconnect. Change begins with awareness, curiosity, and the courage to look within.
References and Further Reading
Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.
Greenberg, L. S., & Pascual-Leone, A. (2022). Emotion in psychotherapy: A practice-friendly research review. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 78(2), 282–296.
Johnson, S. M. (2019). Attachment Theory in Practice: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) with Individuals, Couples, and Families. Guilford Press.
Rholes, W. S., & Simpson, J. A. (2022). Attachment and emotion regulation: Current perspectives and future directions. Current Opinion in Psychology, 44, 101297.
Panksepp, J. (2007). The neuroevolutionary origins of human emotions. American Journal of Psychiatry, 164(3), 399–400.
Sun, T. et al. (2024). Anger and romantic relationships: The mediating role of emotion regulation and attachment insecurity. Children and Youth Services Review.
Fernandez, E., et al. (2022). Understanding anger in close relationships: A biopsychosocial perspective. Frontiers in Psychology.