Peeling the Onion—Living Through Grief

Grief can be very painful. One lady I recently supported, described it as ‘intense pain in my heart…it hurts so much here…,' she said, pointing to her heart. Her husband died more than two years ago and the pain of missing him is still raw, intense and incredibly physical. Grief has a powerful effect on your body. Your immune and cardiovascular system changes and grief increases inflammation. Stephanie Hairston, WebMD writes, 'The heartbreak of grief can increase blood pressure and the risk of blood clots.

You may think grief is all about tears, crying and sadness and that you’ll be back to normal within a week or two after the funeral. But it’s not like that. Grief, like people is unique. Everyone goes through the experience at their own pace and in their own way. And it’s can’t be hurried. It needs to be unwrapped… felt… and dealt with little by little. It’s like the skin on an onion. Layer upon layer… you begin to peel it back, you cry a little, you cry a lot, you begin to unpack it and then...there’s more. Another memory, another flashback, another life. It’s not something you just ‘get over’.

Guilt, anger, and fear are some of the emotions you may experience and these are all a normal response to loss. To have loved deeply is to grieve deeply. 'Sudden unexpected and traumatic loss brings with it the added distress of how the loss came about. The meaning of the loss, trying to make sense of the whys and what next, when your world feels like it is tipped upside down, the sheer experience of missing can be exhausting', says NALAG, (National Centre for Grief and Loss).

For some people, grief can be overwhelming and we may need more help than what family and friends can give us. 

Grief isn’t a linear process of one stage and then another. Rather it’s something we cycle in and out of depending on what time of the day it is and what demands are placed on our life. You may oscillate between different moods and ways of being. You may feel like being alone and withdrawing from people. You may feel numb and have feelings of hopelessness and meaninglessness. Your grief will always be with you, and although it may soften over time, you’ll always have the sadness and sorrow. The process is slow and needs to be at your own pace, in your own way. You don’t need to ‘get over it’ or ‘deal with it’ in a hurry. Take your time. Breathe. You’re establishing a new identity in relation to loss. You’re developing coping strategies and making a ‘new normal’. 

Artistic expression is a beautiful way of getting in touch with your grief. It may give you a sense of relief from painful emotions. You may like to listen to music, make a photo collage, pour out your thoughts in a letter or on a card, or dance and sway to some soft music. 

The power of a hat, Grandpa's Hat, is a book produced by NALAG (National Association for Grief and Loss NSW) to help children and families process the loss of someone they love. Jennywren's story, along with her favourite animals manage their loss by remember the good times with their favourite person.   

Whatever you do, will help in emotionally processing the loss of your loved one, one step at a time, one day at a time, peeling back one layer of the onion at a time. 

Call me, if your grief is holding you back from living and you’d like to talk it through 0421 224 070 

NALAG provides a free, confidential grief and loss counselling service in NSW Call NALAGon (02) 6882 9222

And Grief Australia has many free resources and fact sheets.

If you’re finding it hard to move on, and need support in your grief journey, come to a FREE Living Through Grief Information Evening, run by two trained counsellors, Robin from Counselling Solution Foster and Anne from Great Lakes Counselling.

Living Through Grief Information Evening explores: 

Finding needed support to grieve well

Four Stages of Grief

Grief Physical and Emotional Responses

How to share our story—Dealing with difficult reminders of your loved one 

Grief Coping Strategies—Where to get help

What: Information session about Healthy Grieving and Surviving Grief

When: Monday 17 April 2023 

Time: 5.30pm to 7.00pm

Where: Great Lakes Room, Club Forster

Cost: Free

For information and booking, contact: Robin 0421 224 070