You are not broken: Hope for couples experiencing neurodiversity
You are resilient and capable
Relationships are challenging, especially when one person in the relationship is on the autism spectrum (level 1 autism spectrum disorder ASD previously called Asperger syndrome). Misunderstandings, frustration, confusing and emotional disconnection may cause relationship dissatisfaction and fall-out.
Starved of physical affection, many neuro-typical (NT) women living in a long-term relationship with someone with undiagnosed ASD, express a common experience of loneliness, isolation and pent-up anger (Brown 2023). Lack of emotional intimacy and social connection may impact their sense of self and result in long-term emotional and mental health issues. Empowering women to live well in a neuro-diverse relationship and seek inner-happiness through education, setting realistic expectation and providing support structures, will improve self-esteem and mental health and will ultimately strengthen their neuro-diverse relationship.
Perhaps you experience confusion, loneliness, sadness and frustration living in a neuro-typical relationship. At times you’ve notice how inappropriate your partner’s social and emotional behaviour is, that s/he has difficulty with reciprocal feelings of adoration or affection, may not know how to repair your hurt feelings, may have repetitive routines, or the need for sameness and resistance to change (Bahron-Cohen 2008).
Tony Attwood and Michelle Garnett explain the challenges and autistic person typically experiences in long-term relationships (Attwood, T., and Garnett, M.). Difficulties with empathy, introspection, self-reflection and alexithymia (unable to describe feelings and emotions) cause emotional intimacy distance resulting in one or both partners experiencing loss, sadness and loneliness in the relationship. Maxine Aston, Aspergers in Love, (2004) describes women in neuro-diverse relationships, with ‘little or no awareness and knowledge of AS she will continually receive the wrong messages and form a false perception on why some of the things he does make no sense whatsoever and just appear cruel and callous. It is almost impossible to understand this complex and confusing condition without any knowledge of its effects.”
Perhaps you were drawn initially to his/her innate qualities, of kindness, honesty, depth of knowledge, creativeness, predictability, or quirkiness. You found him/her attentive and charming. You felt like you were the centre of his world, his ALL and his number one priority. The romance blossomed and you felt attractive, cared for, loved, safe and secure. However, according to ASD psychologist Kenneth Roberson (Roberson, 2023), masking his social and emotional challenges may have created a cognitive dissonance impacting your communication and relationship. Masking is not sustainable and results in increased stress and exhaustion levels, which in turn are often associated with mental health issues such as depression, anxiety and substance abuse.
After some years you notice something is awry, his/her attention and emotional reciprocity wanes, s/he spends his time in work or his/her special interests and you notice more and more emotional distance between yourselves. Your pleas for affection and emotional connection go unheard and you no longer felt close, heard and understood, special or even loved. Perhaps you no longer ‘feel like the person I used to be’. Communication between you is lacking and has become more challenging, along with frustration and misunderstanding. Resentment, anger, sadness, loneliness, emotional disconnection and lack of romantic intimacy are feelings women describe living in a long-term relationship with someone on the spectrum.
You may be experiencing what’s been classified as the Cassandra Syndrome. Living with someone on the spectrum can affect the partner’s mental and emotional health as they describe feeling emotionally neglected, exhausted and depressed. Cassandra Syndrome is a type of relationship trauma. “Cassandra syndrome is the neuro-typical (NT) spouse’s experience of emotional suffering that results from distressing interpersonal relations with a spouse who does not understand, empathise with, or validate the NT’s pain and sorrow.” — Mark Hutten M.A.
One such person recently described feeling lonely, sad, and longing for closeness and connection within her long-term relationship. She said that although they were best friends, she felt disconnected and alone in the relationship. People with ASD often are inexperienced in romantic relationships and lack the social cues to notice or work with their partner’s sadness, anger or frustration. “He doesn’t understand my desire for emotional intimacy and affection, and instead misreads this as a desire for sex. Our sexual life has become routine and rigid…it’s as if he follows a set of instructions when making love. I’m so lonely. My family just don’t understand and only see the kind, quiet man that he is’.
The long-term effects of the Cassandra Syndrome are debilitating and soul destroying. The chronic stress and isolation of being ignored and dismissed may result in loss of self esteem, sleep disorders, anxiety and depression. Some women experience anger and long-term resentment but may feel helpless and powerless to change the situation. In severe cases, some women develop post traumatic stress disorder PTSD due to the trauma of living in a relationship such as this.
The good news is you are not broken. You don’t have to fix your partner or wait for them to change for you to feel whole. You no longer have to travel this journey alone. There is help and support available and you will recover. You are resilient and capable and as you take responsibility for your own happiness, your inner wisdom and strength will guide you.
Strategies include:
Connecting with other women in similar situations provides recognition and support and reduces the sense of isolation, which ultimately improves emotional well-being
Learning more about Autism Spectrum Disorders (and how ASD affects your partner) and creating realistic expectations
Engaging with your own creativity
Learning assertiveness skills can help you communicate your needs and feelings more effectively.
Employing self-care strategies and psychotherapy are effective ways to help women regain a sense of self and empowerment (Wheeler, 2024).
Mindfulness practices, journaling, or creative pursuits, can help reduce stress and improve overall well-being. Mindfulness-based therapies have been shown to be effective in helping people manage stress, anxiety, and emotional reactivity. Healing comes through cultivating mindfulness, which is the practice of being fully present and engaged in the current moment, while letting go of distractions and judgment.
Listen to Margot Alexis and Jacque Hanchett speak about the importance of self-care in a neuro-diverse relationship. For more episodes https://www.healingcassandra.com/podcast
Listen to Meditation for Neuro-typical Wives Suffering with Cassandra Syndrome, Mark Hutten M.A.
Contact Robin at Counselling Solution, Forster on 0421 224 070 to support you on your journey to wholeness.
References and further reading
Alexis, M. Healing Cassandra Support Group.
Ariel, C. (2012). Loving someone with Asperger's syndrome: Understanding and connecting with your partner. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
Aston, M., (2004). Aspergers in Love. Jessica Kingsley Publishers.
Aston, M. (2009). The Asperger couple's workbook: practical advice and activities for couples and counsellors. Philadelphia, PA: Jessica Kingsley Publishers.
Aston, M. (2014). The other half of Asperger syndrome (autism spectrum disorder): A guide to living in an intimate relationship with a partner who is on the autism spectrum (2nd ed.). Philadelphia, PA: Jessica Kingsley Publishers.
Attwood, T., and Garnett, M. Couples, Autism and Physical Intimacy. https://attwoodandgarnettevents.com/couples-autism-and-physical-intimacy-by-tony-attwood-and-michelle-garnett/
Bahron-Cohen, S. (2008). Autism, Hypersystemizing, and Truth. The Quarterly Journal of Experimental Psychology. 61 (1), 64–75
Brown, K. (2023). Cassandra Syndrome Causes Anger, Frustration in Autism Relationships. In Psychiatrist.com https://www.psychiatrist.com/news/cassandra-syndrome-causes-anger-frustration-in-autism-relationships/
Charlie Health. (2023). What is Masking? https://www.charliehealth.com/post/what-is-masking
Hutten, M. Meditation for Neurotypical Wives Suffering with Cassandra Syndrome. https://youtu.be/w4j9RfyLWYk
Hutten, M. The Typical Backstory of Cassandra Syndrome: Message to ASD Spouses. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TS9H_l5PV_A
Moreno, S., Wheeler, M., and Parkinson, K. (2012). The partner's guide to Asperger syndrome. Philadelphia, PA: Jessica Kingsley Publishers.
Peters, T. & Peters, L. (2016). Our socially awkward marriage: Stories from an Asperger's relationship. Tulsa, OK: Brookside Press.
Roberson, K. (2023) in Cassandra Syndrome Causes Anger, Frustration in Autism Relationships. In Psychiatrist.com https://www.psychiatrist.com/news/cassandra-syndrome-causes-anger-frustration-in-autism-relationships/
Rowlands, K. (2017). Walking on eggshells: Confessions from an Asperger marriage and how we made it work. Northumberland, England: Old Tavern House.
Wheeler, M. (2024). Tips for Women in Relationships with Partners on the Autism Spectrum. Indiana Institute on Disability and community.